The Cleanse

I've attempted this before but gave up. I'm desperate now to break the clutches of food addiction and laziness. Hopefully less toxins in my system will accomplish this. Wish me luck I'm on it till it's gone so most likely the 1st of the new year. I'm hoping for at least 21 days. Then I will be no tea, no coffee, no alcohol and all raw! Bring on a new year!!!

That's IT!! It's time!

Sometimes you just know when you need to change something in your life. Today was that day for me. Well actually it's been accumulating for the last 3 weeks, but I've decided it's time for some action. It's not just one thing that needs to change, there are a few;

1. I'm done drinking... for awhile. (Notice my lack of actual long term committment with this?) I'm not sure this is something I NEED to give up forever, but it is something I need to give up for now, for me.
2. Daily exercise again! My mood was so much better (even though I was tired) when I was getting up at 3 or 4 almost every morning. I'm not sure what that fact tells me about myself other then I know I need to reintroduce this habit back into my daily life.
3. Go raw. This is going to be a process. I feel better eating this way so for my body it only makes sense to go back to what works.
4. Drink water!!!!! I was for awhile averaging 128oz a day and then I kind of fell off that wagon, it's time to crawl back on.  
5. Spend more quality time with my kids. I NEED to do this before I blink and they are grown and moved out.
6. Get my house back in order! It's way past due time to declutter my home. So this Sunday that's what I'll be doing all day. I may start some after work today since I'm going to be attempting to stick with my #1 committment.

This list isn't all of it, but it's about all I'm willing to tackle at the moment. I figure if I can get this stuff under control and back into being habit then the rest will sort itself out. I don't know if I can do it, but I don't know where I'll end up if I don't. Depression runs in my family and I've really been low lately. I want to go back to having boundless amounts of energy and feeling great about the person I am. I'm not there right now, but I know how to get back there. The sad part is that where I'm at now is hurting some of my other relationships, by no means on purpose but it is.

I need to figure out how to keep myself accountable for this. I think that blogging is going to be a great way to do that. I will post not only what I consume for calories, but water and other things and keep everyone posted on how I'm doing with the rest of this seemingly daunting list. I just want to go back to where I was a couple months ago. If I can get that back and maintain that I'll be happy again. No more excuses, it's time to make this happen! So look for todays accountability post later tonight!

Day 1, Early Afternoon.

I have been trying to decide for quite sometime now if blogging will help me achieve a greater insight into my life and my own thoughts. Will it help me be more accountable for the choices I make and the things I say? I suppose it's possible it could, so I'm going to try it. I have been watching someone else achieve this same level of enlightenment through blogging everyday, and I'm curious if it will work for me or not, so here goes. 

I woke up about 9:25am this morning, late for me, but it was my day to sleep in. Tomorrow is the kids first day of school and being it's my day to get up I figured I'd take advantage of my sleep time today. I had a couple cups of coffee, took a shower, and got dressed. I filled out some mundane paperwork for contact lens mail in rebates ($65.00 worth, so not chump change) and brewed a nice cup of lemongrass green tea. It's about 1:30pm, I've had a some pan cooked(no oil of course) zucchini and summer squash, a handful of fresh green beans(picked this morning from my garden) and a frozen fruit kabob that consisted of red grapes, green grapes and banana. I'm thinking for starting off my day my food choices have been decent. I'll probably finish out my day with a nice green smoothie. Back to the gym for me tomorrow after the kids get on the bus and mimosas have been consumed. 

I did laundry yesterday 4 loads worth, so I don't need to do that today. Dishes like always need to be swapped around, but since it's early afternoon right now there is no immediate rush to get that chore done. I'm just enjoying the quiet right now. Two of the kids are upstairs probably rotting their brains out with the TV or Xbox, and it is possible one is reading a book. The third and smallest kid is on the couch next to the hubby watching her ipad and snacking on some rice cake thing (I don't even know what they are). 

I may need a hobby, as the kids get older I'm finding I have less and less to occupy my time other then the normal cleaning(which I tire of doing), and drinking which I should do less of. I'm not entirely sure what I would do though. I don't like scrapbooking. I don't have the expendable income to pick up a project car. I can't afford childcare for the baby for me to go get a job. A couple weeks after the kids get situated in school, and the baby is used to them being gone I'll start her preschool program. I still have to order the stuff for that, but I'll do that once we get paid. Hopefully doing that with her will fill up a good deal of the extra time I have recently found myself with. It's kind of depressing having nothing to do, and not focus really. It's a lost feeling I can't really describe. I understand that I have 3 great kids that *could* take up my time. At this point though they have their own interests and stuff they like and want to do which most of the time doesn't involve Mom. At 13 and almost 11 I can't say I blame them. This brings me to my real problem, what on God's green earth am I going to do when they've all moved out? I know that's a little ways away, but I would rather have a plan then be blindsided when it actually happens. At this point I probably have enough free time that I could go back to school, but I have absolutely no desire to pay for education that who knows if I will ever put to good use. I hate wasting money. 

My mother in-law keeps bringing up me doing some sort of cookbook since I am always adapting recipes making them completely oil free, plant based and gluten free. She keeps insisting there are other people out there with the issues that I have faced health wise that would get use out of that sort of book. I keep entertaining the idea, and maybe one day I will. In the meantime though I need something that will distract me from the ever growing temptation to slip down life's rabbit hole slump. I wonder if it is just human nature to feel lost at certain points in ones life, or if I am *different* in that respect. 

4:35pm- Had a sliced up cucumber and used them as chips (they worked beautifully) to dip in salsa and consumed a sliced up green apple. I'm thinking it's time for more tea now.  

I have split pea soup on the stove for the family for dinner tonight. My awesome hubby when he went out earlier brought home mimosa stuff for tomorrow morning after the kids leave for school. He is the best!  I did get my tea, nice cup of green tea after my little snack. I think I'm ready for fall, hot tea and coffee have really been hitting the spot lately. I'm ready for sweatshirts, jeans and chilly mornings. Just like right before summer started I was ready for cool mornings with the promise of a hot afternoon. 

No Motivation

So I have noticed that once my friend got here and we started hanging out and relaxing, my motivation to go to the gym went out the window. I HAVE TO GET BACK INTO IT. 

So starting tomorrow I'm going all out. I'm going to get up and go to the gym EARLY, come home shower, and clean house and do laundry. I'm also going to get back into tracking what I eat. Though I'm not unhappy per say with the number on the scale it's not where I'd like to be when bikini season gets here and I still have a few more months till that hits to get my butt back in gear. I'm going to blog about it daily to hold myself accountable with weight and food tracking, and hopefully doing that will help keep me focused and on task. 

We had a lady come today to do physicals for life insurance. I'm pretty sure they asked just about any question any company would want to know and took so many measurements and samples that I almost needed an adult hahaha. Hopefully with my celiac's and history of cancer in my family I'm still eligible for some sort of coverage. Guess we will just have to wait and see what the results are. 

This weekend is my husbands 33rd birthday, the bastard is getting old. We are headed out Saturday night to celebrate, and to be honest I can't wait. It's been too long since we have been out of the house just us. 

Indifferent

It's been awhile since I've blogged, and I honestly can't say why. Life is busy like it always is, and March around here has always been extra hectic. Mariah and I celebrated our birthdays, and soon Jon will celebrate his. My sister was here to help me celebrate, but the rest of my family wasn't for drama reasons. I had a wonderful surprise and had my best friend fly in from Cali to visit me for a few weeks over my birthday as well. It was awesome and I didn't want her to go back. I'm sad though cause on my birthday my Mom decided to pitch another 5year old fit, and pushed me to my bullshit limit. The results of that day are still felt now cause we aren't speaking. The whole situation that I was desperately trying to avoid, she just couldn't accept a few things and that caused a falling out between the two of us. 

So as a result of my friend leaving and my mom and I not speaking I'm been a little down in the dumps lately. I wish I could help her understand that I wasn't trying to fight with her, and I've told her this she just won't see to reason and there is nothing I can do about that. So I guess the only thing I can do is move on. 

On a brighter note we have our first family vacation of the year planned for the last week in June. I can't wait this place we are going to looks amazing. The best part? There won't be anyone there but my immediate family, so little to no drama. I'm sad my mom and I aren't talking but I sure am glad for the lack of stress and drama that now is my life. I guess there are two sides to every coin. 

I just have to do what is best for me and move on. I know there are a few bad habits I've picked back up. Slacking going to the gym, not logging what I'm eating, and drinking more causing me to gain back a little weight. Not a ton of weight mind you, but enough to where I want to get it back off for the warm awesome summer months that are headed our way hopefully very soon. 

I guess that is all for now, just needed to clean out my head a little. 

Hope everyone enjoys today, Happy hump day :). 

New Personal Best!

I ran for an hour without stopping. To be honest, I'm not sure this is something I've ever done in my whole life. If I have I was too young to remember it. It felt good to finally accomplish something that to be honest I never thought I would do. I've learned something about myself, that I am capable of far more then I think that I am. I got home from that long run and ate 4 cups of kale cooked in 2 cups of oil free vegetable broth with 1/2 cup white kidney beans. In my experience some of the best meals are the simplest. That I feel awful when I over eat from what I have grown accustomed to eating, and that I can't eat out very often without paying dearly for it. 

Whole foods, plant based, oil free diet is where it is at for health, vitality and and endurance. I won't go back to eating the crap I was eating before. I just feel better now. I'm happier, and have way less stomach issues. For those that can eat whatever they want, they are cursed. I was forced into a healthy diet and if given a choice would choose this way of life hands down over anything out there. Sad that most people will never know how good living can feel. 

So for my next running goal it is going to be to increase my speed while maintaining the duration of my runs... or decreasing the duration by 15mins while increasing the speed and then building back up to running for an hour. After that who knows, maybe I'll run for longer and longer and then maybe one day run in a race. I'm just excited and happy I've made it this far. 

Words

Some people would say that without family they don't know where they would be. Honestly, I think that holds true for most people. I used to think that held true for me as well, and it does when you talk about my family as my husband and my children. I've learned some things about my not so immediate family that is less then encouraging. I thought after years and years that I had grown numb to the guilt, and that there was no way that the shit that could be said could possibly get to me. I was wrong. I have no patience for two faced people especially two faced family members. It's true what they say that you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. I just for once want to be good enough, and not blamed for a past I can do nothing about. We all only live once, and that some people can't live for today but have to continue to live wishing they could change the past blows my mind. I'm not saying I'm perfect and that I don't make mistakes, but when I make them at least I acknowledge that I've messed up. 

I am just waiting for my next guilt trip, the next time I'm going to be made to feel bad about a past I can't change. My family comes first it always has and it always will. I don't plan on changing how I parent my kids, just because my parent can't accept the fact that she isn't and wasn't perfect either. I love without bounds, and do the very best that I can with what I have. I really think that's all a parent can do. I hope that when my kids get older and become adults that I learn how to transition to being their parent/friend and not treating them like they are still a child or make them feel bad that they have their own lives. Learning what to do and what not to do by watching others make mistakes is how I've become the Mom that I am right now. I'd like to think that I do a pretty good job, but for that you'd have to ask my kids. 

I hope this fog lifts and I can see the sunshine with unfiltered eyes, and that I can live and appreciate this day as if it were my last. Love with no bounds, and like this is the last day you will get to love. I think if we all said what we thought when we thought it instead of holding it in and letting it fester until we can't hold it in anymore we would be able to enjoy life's relationships better. 

Communication: the ability to convey ones thoughts and feelings in words to another, as well as listen to others thoughts and feelings. Understanding is key to successful communication and one can't communicate effectively without listening and understanding that their feelings are not the only ones that matter in the exchange. It's taken me literally years to learn how to communicate effectively, and I'm still not an expert. I just do the best I can with the skills that I have and hope that it's good enough. For most of the people in my life I do alright, but for some nothing I do will ever be enough. 

Music is great therapy I'm pretty sure that I have music playing from the time I get up till the time I go to bed, if I am home that is. Some songs make you want to dance, others make you want to cry, some even teach us something about ourselves. 

Now to decide, do I sit and wait or speak up and say what is really on my mind. I think I will wait till the first move is made, and then make my move from there. I am better then what I have been reduced to in the past. And with that I'm going to go live a better today!

Enjoying Food Again.

Our society celebrates anything and everything with food. Birthday's is cake and ice cream, Easter is eggs, Thanksgiving turkey and all the fixings and Christmas ham and all the fixings, needless to say we like to eat. Now take it from my point of view a gluten free, oil free, nut free, vegan... who can't eat processed corn or soy, what do I eat on all these above mentioned holidays? Where can I go to get a quick meal? Certainly there is nothing I can eat at Taco Bell, KFC, McDonald's or Burger King. Shoot, I'd be lucky to find something to eat at Applebee's or Chili's restaurants. Eating for me has become a process, buy the vegetables, come home, cook the vegetables, eat them. Now the positive to all of this (I promise this isn't going to be a negative post :)), I have one of the healthiest diets of anyone I know. There are a few things that have helped me through this food grieving process as I've cut and cut and cut things from my diet in order to achieve a quality of living that I'm happy with. It's possible to feel like you are eating a normal meal. I'm sure you are probably thinking, "What on earth does that mean?". I made a spaghetti sauce today that was an adaptation of the McDougall's Maria Lucia sauce and their Fresh Tomato Garlic sauce. It was awesome! Included fresh tomatoes, canned quartered artichoke hearts, mushrooms, onions and spices and guess what I ate it over, half a roasted spaghetti squash. I had 2cups of spring mix topped with a fat free balsamic dressing on the side. It felt like a spaghetti dinner obviously without the bread and heavy pasta, and I'm full. None of that meal was convenient both the sauce and the squash took an hour to cook, but was worth every minute of that cook time to feel like I was eating a "normal" meal. I also realized that if people are willing to put the time and effort into meal preparation that eating the way I do isn't as hard as it sounds, it's just time consuming. Though I do have fast options when I don't have an hour to make an awesome meal like I had today. I can take these handy steam in the bag veggies and pop them in the microwave for 5 minutes (eat the whole bag without guilt) open a can of beans and or microwave a bag of brown rice, add liquid aminos and enjoy. I don't miss the grease that comes along with frying stuff in oil. I don't miss how it made my mouth feel. I used to love chips, ate one the other day and can't stomach them now. They taste like potatoes cooked in motor oil, and how nasty is that. I guess with any diet change comes preference changes, and taste bud changes. I'm happier, healthier and at the lowest weight I can ever remember being in my adult life. I hope I remain feeling this good and the weight continues to come off. I know years from now my body will thank me for the choices I am making now. So please, pass the beans and greens!   

Day 1

I started most all my New Year's changes yesterday, and it went great! I stepped on the scale this morning weighting in at my all time low 128.5 It was an awesome start to 2013. I had mimosa's with my daughter and hubby to ring in the new year(I would call that a special occasion :)). Doing laundry today so the hubby and I can leave tomorrow for a surprise overnight in Burlington! I can't wait a great way to start the new year! He tells me we are going to a place where I can get a GF vegan pizza? That would be an awesome treat! 

The baby is taking a nap which she very much needed she was super whiney this morning, and I had had about enough. The kids go back to school tomorrow, though I do have to say they haven't been awful this vacation. I think having stuff for them to do in their rooms away from everyone(including each other) has helped. 

1. Today I will stay positive, and not let the negativity of everyday stress bring me down. 
2. I will be proud of the accomplishments I have achieved no matter how small. 
3. I will make the most of this day! 

I sun is shining, and I couldn't think of a more beautiful day to have started a new year! I just wish the snow would all melt and it would get warm :), though I think I have a little bit to wait for that.